If Men Could Give Birth (A subtle humor piece)

Arnold

I remember watching a movie in the 1990s which centered on a man being pregnant. Yes, an impossibility, except in the case of sea horses, which too are only able to fertilize the eggs, and carry the little sea horses to term. Still, what if by some strange twist of fate, men could get pregnant. Well this is how I would see that strange phenomenon of male child birth.

First, a male pregnancy has to be somewhere inside the peritoneal cavity, a mandatory ectopic pregnancy which could perhaps be fitted somewhere inside the cavities surrounding our gastro-intestinal tracts, or in those strange circumstances inside the stomach, which due its highly acidic environment, could melt the fetus inside, which means that the body cavity is the only viable place for an ectopic pregnancy.

Now how can a woman, impregnate a man. The ovum, once fertilized inside the female, in the first place, needs to travel up the male urinal tract and somehow make its way to the peritoneal spaces. Of course that means, the penis should be vacuum or have suction power to absorb the fertilized egg to make it travel to the fated place. I would say that hoovering an egg should make the journey from the female plumbing all the way to male body cavity. So I presume, when Arnold’s character was making love to his wife, a fertilized egg travelled up the male canals to arrive at the location of the ectopic pregnancy. It would have been a case of sucking everything in, the egg, exfoliated cells and mucus up the genital tract of man.

So now to the gestation period. Being a man, the cravings would undoubtedly be for some chips, beer, peanuts or any nut that can give a little starch for the cravings and of course, Arnold being Austrian, some Viennese Coffee and some Linzer Torte cakes. Still beer is a no go zone since there is that cardinal rule that Alcohol is a NO-NO during pregnancy. I wonder whether that would apply though, for a man, considering, a hangover the following morning, is just at some level, some nausea and a feeling of vomitsh-ness, which when pregnant should be a common occurrence. So nausea, whether pregnant or due to a night of revelling, should make no difference. Like Captain Long John Silver said, “HO HO HO and a bottle of Rum” and the devil wouldn’t care less whether you were pregnant or not. So you could say, perhaps the man would enjoy being nauseated, having a sense of deja-vu, knowing you have been there, done that, a hundred times before – just another wicked hangover.

How do pregnancy tantrums affect man, is the age old question. Nothing better to assess that than during a TV sports event. If the man, swears all the time, he is just experiencing some strong kicks inside the tummy, if he cries, he has been reading too many “Pregnancy manuals”, if he lets the peanuts fly, he is high on hormones and if he is wets his pants, he has just been holding it for too long. So sports, I guess would not the same anymore, just an emotional roller coaster, for the pregnant man.

Now to the ultrasound, when the man – with his hand held by his wife – sees a little life on screen, with a unique hard beat, when he is bound to cry – or sob- those man tears, you only see on the verge of a sporting debacle or a bromance or if you’re gay and you have your lover about to say “I do” in front of a 100 throng crowd. As you know, man rarely carries a handkerchief and is bound to be comforted by the wife’s hanky, which due to his high hormone status, he will not mind.

After the 5th month, the man will see his man boobs getting bigger. Then he will look at magazine pictures of Chris Farley and Jack Black, to compare cup sizes and will give himself, a high five if they are bigger than the other curvy models. After all, man boobs to the pregnant man is a symbol of pride and of course, self-gratification. After all, now you don’t have to look at playboy or dream of Kim Kardashian, you can just look down at your D-cup breasts and simply fondle them. Of course, if you though get an erection when you fondle your breasts, you’d better test yourself in the Gay-dar, and whether you have a fetish for fatty-bong-bongs with generous cupping assets.

And now to morning sickness, a common question. Considering the man hull would be spurting with hormones, expect an erection every time you wake up in the morning and if your wife is willing (as some wives always are), a little suction the other way, should get your day off to a bright new start. Of course the Blow Jobs would be weird now. For once, you don’t have the whole view of your wife loving the Hot Dog experience and for man, half the fun is watching a woman’s mouth do the loop, scoop and slurp. Still being pregnant (with that extra spurt of testosterone) should ensure you catch up on the fine art of making your wife go Mexican – The folded tacos and even the Hot-Dogos. If you’re a real dickhead though, you can always keep count and brag to your friends how the pregnancy was good for Richard the Lion Heart, to express himself as eloquently as Dickens.

Still how would morning sickness be for a man. Of course you would pass urine a a few times in the morning and every time you do that, you REALLY have no sense of aim, knowing that you can only see your tummy now and everything below is just fiction in the making. So, if you are uncircumcised, expect the foreskin to dart your liquid gold in odd directions, but if you have been given the snip, then of course you will be like William Tell and the commode bowl your rosy apple.

Now to Arnold finally getting the little rascal out. Of course considering it has to be Casaerion section, you have no choice but to let your Gyno do a little cut in your wall and get the rascal or beauty out. As a man, you’re bound to not let the local anesthesia, prevent you from the experiencing every passing moment. Of course, being a man, the placental cocktail will always be No-Go zone. If everyting goes smooth you will look at the angel and think, oh man, how did I hold that life for 10 long months.  Still, nothing would be as bad as the nurse shaving your bum and wearing a synthetic hospital gown that gives a good glimpse of your Terminator Bum. Of course, Arnold as you know, is used to it – just watch reruns of Terminator. Seeing the cute nurse check you out would give you a little high, when you start to think, the Full Monty is worth it.

And everything ends here. Of course being Arnold, he will say “I will be Back” in his rugged European voice. That means he will be back for a second go at childbirth. It is amazing how Austrian men are in the forefront of everything. Mendel showed everything was genetics, Freud made sure we could harness our sanity and now Arnold, showed us that childbirth could be a man’s thing too. Of course there’s a slight possibility that the fertilized egg broke inequally into two and made twins, one, a replica of Arnold and the other, a little creature, bald with a little mullet that can be tied into a pony tail, a lot like Danny De Vito. Still childbirth is spectacular. Arnold now looks at his F cup pecs (Pectoralis Major), almost the size of Dolly Parton’s, and he didn’t have to go to the gym to get them to be this big. All that was needed was a little pregnancy.

How beautiful, if man could have really been able to hold a life inside. We can only make little tadpoles churn their mitochondrial motors to swim to an island. Still Arnold showed  “what if”, to that challenge. We can never-ever change biology but we can always be wishful thinkers, little seahorses in our minds, living out our biological fantasies, knowing they end there. We are all prejudiced by something or the other and man was – and will always be – both, by biology and by god.

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Author: meandererworld (Dilantha Gunawardana)

Dr Dilantha Gunawardana is a molecular biologist who graduated from the University of Melbourne. He moonlights as a poet. His poems have been accepted/published in Forage, American Journal of Poetry, Kitaab, Eastlit and Ravens Perch. He mixes science with poetry for a living, when what matters is the expression of both DNA and words into something serendipitous. Although an Australian citizen, Dilantha is domiciled in Sri Lanka, his country of birth.

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