Cricket Jokes (some are lame – admitted) – A BOOK I was WRITING in 2012

cricket

  1. Why did the horny playboy call the Australian cricket manager ? B’cos he was after a couple of hussies
  2. What would you call Tony Greig bowling a maiden over ? A comb over
  3. What is latest turf popular in the cricketing fraternity ? Hair Transplants, just ask Ponting, Bollinger or Kallis
  4. What is the official beverage for batsmen in cricket ? The Bacardi – bat
  5. What is the official beverage for cricket bowlers ? Johnny Walker – keep walking
  6. What did the audience ask the prince (Raja) of Indian cricket ? U Raj Sing
  7. Why did the condom manufacturer hire Rahul Dravid as its spokesperson ? B’cos he will always be a impenetrable wall
  8. What is the Portugese influenced theme song of the Indian cricket team that gives the impression of a booze train ? Gin Ganguly Gully Gully
  9. What do you get if you bring together the shortest and tallest West Indian cricketers ? David (Williams) and Big Bird (Garner)
  10. What is Chris Gayle’s Achilles heal ? Cornrows
  11. What is WG Grace’s – who popularized the game during its formative years – nickname in the cricketing circles ? A Spin Doctor
  12. What is the influence of the Chinese TV series ‘Monkey Magic’ to cricket ? Cricket has a Hogg for a chinaman.
  13. What is a blinder in cricket ? Damien Levrock in slips
  14. What is Tony Greig’s autobiography called ? If – The short-pitch conquests of a lock less monster
  15. What is Hashim Amla’s autobiography called ? The blades of gravity – Evolution of the Bald and the Bearded
  16. What is Harsha Bogle’s autobiography called ? Be spectatorcled
  17. What is Navjot Singh Sidhu’s autobiography called ? Mike-rage – Farming the essence of Agricultural metaphors
  18. What is Ian Bishop’s autobiography called ? The nuance of eminence – tales of an eternal Carribean alter boy
  19. What is Sunil Gavaskar’s autobiography called ? 36 reasons why Sunny never came home
  20. What is Wasim Akram’s autobiography called ? Swinging to action – the vines and the wiles of a Khanate prince.
  21. What is Willis’s autobiography called ? Marathon Man – when the feet finally slumbered
  22. What is Allan Border’s autobiography called ? Borderline whiskers of a nibbling southpaw
  23. What is Keplar Wessels autobiography called ? Unperched from Perth – The swan that transformed in to an ugly duckling
  24. What is Arjuna Ranatunga’s autobiography called ? Chunky – Confessions of a gluttonous Jak (Artocarpus/Halo) eater
  25. What is Damien Levrock’s autobiography called ? McChunky – The rolling adventures of a ravenous McClown.
  26. What is the autobiography of Ricky Ponting called ? Maverick – Why a bouncer could not nab me
  27. What is Aravinda De Silva’s autobiography called ? Unhook me – Tales of a compulsive hooker
  28. What is Bradley Hogg’s autobiography called ? The beacon of bacon – Hogging his way to where no man has been even been before
  29. What is Matthew Hayden’s autobiography called ? The Mongoose Cook – The appetite for construction of a carnivorous bludgeoner
  30. What is the autobiography of Shane Warne called ?  Flowing tales of an Uterian Diuretic – How mama’s boy fizzed on to a saucy bedzilla !
  31. What is Merv Hughes’s autobiography called ? Give me Moe – Cos he is like grease lightning !
  32. When does a cricket match have three bats and three balls in the middle ? In the presence of a male streaker
  33. What is the autobiography of T.M Dilshan called ? Insatiable for a scoop – Icy tales of a true convert.
  34. What is the autobiography of Anil Kumble called ? The Karnataka Kohinoor – Engineering a moustache for magnum revolutions.
  35. What is the autobiography of Virat Kohli called ? Fastracked – Too fly for a trite guy
  36. What is the autobiography of M.S Dhoni called ? Samson’s delight – Unlocked but not tamed
  37. What is the height of frustration in cricket ? Curtley Ambrose fielding for his toes.
  38. Why are frog legs considered a delicacy in cricket ? Because there were times where there was a frog in a blender
  39. What is Shane Warne’s fan club called ? Badzillas
  40. What is MS Dhoni’s fan club called ? Hell Coptors
  41. What is Hashim Amla’s fan club called ? Grasshoppers
  42. What is Doug Bollinger’s fan club called ? Ro-gained
  43. What would you call Paul Adams autobiography ? A unique story of a how a frog jumped out of a blender on to a cricketing field
  44. What would you call Ian Botham’s autobiography ? Skankthrope to summersex – Ian of many trades and master of fun
  45. What would you call Vinod Kambli’s autobiography ? Earings to tearings: All that glitters is just not gold
  46. What would you call Mohommed Yousuf’s autobiography ? Finding Holyland – From a Crusader to a Saracen
  47. What would you call Neil McKenzie’s autobiography ? Commode Capers – Sitting out, looking in
  48. What would call Inzamam ul-Haq’s autobiography ? Fat boy slim – Misadventures of an eternal meat lover
  49. What would you call Michael Clark’s autobiography ? A puppy’s life – wagging with the tail
  50. What is Salil Ankola’s autobiography called ?……Frankly, do you remember me ?
  51. What is Greg Matthew’s autobiography called ? Cap capers – springing like an eternal spin chicken
  52. What is Sachin Tendulkar’s autobiography called ? Immaculate conception: Why God spent an eternity on Sachin
  53. What is Rahul Dravid’s autobiography called ? Wall-me: A perfect toon
  54. What would you call Muttiah Muralitharan’s autobiography ? Mesmerizing Merlin – Confessions of a confectionary wizard
  55. What is Shivranine Chanderpaul’s autobiography called ? Kiss ma’bat – For the frog really is a prince
  56. What is Adam Gilchrist’s autobiography called ? Dwarfed by Mr Spock – a universal trek for a cowboy at heart
  57. What is Jason Gillespie’s autobiography called ? 201 red balloons – white mullets can bat
  58. What is Brett Lee’s autobiography called ? Speed thrills – A Fast tracked blues brother in Bollywood.
  59. What is Shane Lee’s autobiography called ? A Caning for Cain – Paradise lost but rock music regained
  60. What is Darran Bravo autobiography called ? The last of the many Mohicans – Collecting the bits and pieces of an all-round jigsaw puzzle
  61. What is Darran Bravo autobiography called ? Lara’s craft: The battles of a true tomb chaser
  62. What is Fidel Edwards autobiography called ? A Coronated Castro – Why Viv’s magic wand spawned a fiery gnome king
  63. What is the autobiography of Greame Swann called ? The swan that outgrew the lake – An alpha spin to a cygnature domination of cricket
  64. What is the autobiography of Clive Lloyd called ? The indomitable moustache – Why the smile always looks like a frown
  65. What is the autobiography of Daryl Cullinan’s called ? The baby faced assassin – Preying on cricket’s killing fields
  66. What is the autobiography of Gary Kirstan called ? The prince of Africa, The king of India – How a bald eagle soared to the exospheres
  67. What is the autobiography of Pat Symcox called ? Giant men can spin – Offing the blights of African slow bowling
  68. What is the autobiography of Imran Khan called ? Captain my Captain – the life and times of an innovative gem and gold prospector
  69. What is the autobiography of Javed Minandad called ? Javed in boots – why the midnight oil never runs out
  70. What is the autobiography of Garfield Sobers ? Super Garfield – How a feline superhero stormed out of the alley
  71. What is the autobiography of Viv Richards ? Issac – Son god to a sacrificial generation
  72. What is the autobiography of Lance Klusener ? Lock stock and my bat barrel – Story of a trigger happy shy guy
  73. What is the autobiography of Luke Wright called ? Cool hand Luke – Never underestimate the Blonde next door
  74. What is the autobiography of Samit Patel called ? Bulldoze me if you can – why size matters for Sir Might
  75. What is the autobiography of Andy Flintoff called ? From the ashes to a phoenix – Tales of a god poser
  76. What is the autobiography of Jonathan Trott called ? Boring scores heavy – The batting adventures of an unlikely Casanova
  77. What is the autobiography of Stuart Broad called ? The breeding game – why the broad doesn’t land far from the brood
  78. What is the autobiography of Abdul Razzak called ? Why Zak is not dull – Clubbing stories of a psychadelic Pakman
  79. What is the autobiography of Chris Lewis called ? Bible to Libel – Story of a Priest turned Prisoner
  80. What would Neil McKenzie’s rhythmic fan club be called ? Commode Commodores
  81. What would Saurav Ganguly’s fan club be called ? The Sin City Bengals
  82. What is Andrew Flintoff’s fan club called ? Andy’s bandy-dandy army
  83. What would Kumar Sangakkara’s autobiography be called ? Debarred but not deterred – No oscars nor wild but a batsman of elegance and style.
  84. What is Mahela Jaywardana’s autobiography called ? Oh you sexy thing – How I nailed Christina in the Men’s locker room and even behind the pavilion
  85. What is Prassanna Jaywardana’s autobiography called ? The keeper of the flame – The dying art-form of keepers who bat a bit
  86. What is Sanath Jayasuriya’s autobiography called ? Sun shine on my baldy head – Distracting the fores with a reflecting force
  87. What is Ian Botham’s fan club called ? The quickies and the shagfest
  88. What is Larry Gomes’s fan club called ? Twirly-curlies
  89. What is Lance Gibbs fan club called ? Carribean licorice – black men can twirl
  90. What is Brian McMillan’s autobiography called ? One Big Mac please – McWilling in bat, ball or slips.
  91. What is Allan Donald’s biography called ? The great white spark – banging and swinging for an electronic impulse
  92. What is Joel Garner’s autobiography called ? Out of sight – How clouds interfered a big bird’s vision
  93. What is Augustine Logie’s autobiography called ? King of the pixies – short anecdotes of the bamboo hearted
  94. What is Anthony Stuart’s autobiography called ? Three hit wonder – How the count of three dethroned a wallaby boxer
  95. What is Neil Fairbrother’s autobiography called ? South claw – The journey of a scraping wonder
  96. What is Darren Leahmann’s autobiography called ? Russel Arnold’s cunt – learning the lesson the blunt way
  97. What is Craig White autobiography called ? Brothers-in-law in war – why the ashes had a sister in the middle
  98. What is Darren Sammy’s autobiography called ? Gentle giant – Innocuous bowler bottom hand bludgoner
  99. What is Ranjan Madugalle autobiography called ? Poster boy player poster boy match referee
  100. What is Paul Adam’s autobiography called ? The Frog that turned into a Chinaman
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Author: meandererworld (Dilantha Gunawardana)

Dr Dilantha Gunawardana is a molecular biologist who graduated from the University of Melbourne. He moonlights as a poet. His poems have been accepted/published in Forage, American Journal of Poetry, Kitaab, Eastlit and Ravens Perch. He mixes science with poetry for a living, when what matters is the expression of both DNA and words into something serendipitous. Although an Australian citizen, Dilantha is domiciled in Sri Lanka, his country of birth.

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